He scanned it – Staggered –

He scanned it – Staggered –

Dropped the Loop

To Past or Period –

Caught helpless at a sense as if

His Mind were going blind –                                                                                          

Groped up, to see if God were there –

Groped backward at Himself

Caressed a Trigger absently

And wandered out of Life –

F(994)        

          Someone who was in a constant internal struggle concerning religion, it is not surprising that Dickinson not only questioned God’s existence but his involvement in our lives. At the start of this poem, the reader is shown a man on the brink of suicide and in search of a reason not to go through with it. In the moment, he feels helpless and unsure of what to do, and opening to the second stanza, he begins his search. He searches not only in God but in himself for a reason to live and when he finds neither, he does the deed. The above image displays a scene of a dejected man as he contemplates whether to live or die. 

           His groping for God demonstrates how religion can serve as both a last-ditch effort and a source of life. In those final moments, the speaker is in desperate need of a force strong enough to tether him to the world. The first place he turns – possibly after having witnessed positive religious experiences – is to God, and despite not finding what he was looking for, his efforts prove a belief or hope in the power of religion to save lives. 

In an interesting manipulation of form, Dickinson uses line length to depict the indecision of the man in the poem. In the first stanza, the lines stagger between short and long which shows the back and forth thinking as he battles over whether to take his life. However, in the second stanza, there is a steady descent as the lines – as well as his list of reasons to live – shorten and he makes a decision. The use of the dash to close the poem portrays the uncertainty of what follows death. Done with his earth-side adventures, he “wandered” out of life and into the next dimension of existence to explore the possibilities there. Similar to a recently released balloon, he was no longer bound to life by his pain, but finally free to explore the possibilities of the unknown. 

           In this poem, much like most others, Dickinson is meticulous in her word choice. The most jarring usage comes in the final lines of the poem with the words “caressed,” “absently,” and “wandered.” Before these lines, the speaker depicts the man as being afraid to follow through and hopeful for a change of heart; this is done with words like “staggered,” “dropped,” and “groped.” At this point, the man is still desperate to be saved and unsure of his thoughts. However, the words in the closing lines of the poem imply that his death was serene, something not toiled over but desired and anticipated. These lines and the language used within them symbolize what death means for someone who has been broken to the point of contemplating suicide. Rather than representing it as a loss of life, it is represented as a gaining of freedom from the hardships of life. Reading this poem brings to mind, “Suspense – is Hostiler than Death – ” F(775) which argues that the unpredictability of life is a greater burden to bear than death which cannot be extended beyond itself; death has a conclusion while suspense is eternal. When thinking of taking their own lives, people are often told to hold on for things to get better, pray, or even find hobbies. The fact that neither God nor himself could offer alleviation from the speaker’s pain makes it clear that for some, dying is easier than finding the will to live.